Thursday, May 8

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but be filled with the Spirit,  addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart,  giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,  submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.   - Ephesians 5:18b-27

Several years ago I had young couple in my office for premarital counseling and I asked them to read this passage from Ephesians 5 together.  I noticed that when it came to the part about women “submitting”, the young woman refused to read any further.  When I asked her why, she looked straight at me and said through clenched teeth, “I hate that verse, and you will not read that at my wedding!”  

As I got to know this couple over the course of our meetings together, I discovered that this young woman grew up in a family in which her father used Eph. 5:22 as a kind of spiritual club that he used to beat her mother into submission with.  It was a very sad tale of anger, dysfunction, and spiritual abuse.  I assured her that what she grew up with was NOT what the Apostle Paul intended nor what the Bible actually teaches about submission and authority.  It took a lot of time, discussion, and prayer for her to come to see the beauty of God’s plan for a man and a woman in marriage.

In the passage above, the Apostle Paul places the issue of husbands and wives in the context of his teaching on what it means to live according to the Spirit.  Many people read Ephesians 5 and think that Paul changes the subject when he begins to talk about marriage, but it is actually part of the larger discourse on the spiritual life.  In other words, Paul is telling us that if we are filled with the Holy Spirit, and if we live according to the Spirit, then this is what a marriage should look like!

If we want to truly understand what the Bible is teaching here, the place to begin is with the command to be filled with the Spirit (Eph. 5:18b) and the command to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Eph. 5:21).  These two commands provide the all important context for what the Bible has to say about male and female roles in marriage.  If we get the context wrong, we can be sure that we will get the application of the rest of the passage wrong.  

We have to start with the premise that only when two people are filled with the Holy Spirit and mutually submitted in reverence to Christ Jesus, are they ready to grasp and apply the Biblical model of marriage.

There is no denying that the Bible teaches a clear difference in gender roles.  The man and the woman are not described as having exactly the same role in a marriage.  This is not sexist, this is just true.  When it comes to the “S” word (submission), the Bible does indeed teach that men are given authority over their wives by God.  

Most people make the common mistake of thinking that this passage is talking about who has all of the power in the relationship.  However, when the Bible talks about “male authority and headship”, it is not referring to our cultural understanding of authority where the one in authority uses his/her power to elevate themselves and to assert their own rights.  But in the Bible, authority is only ever given for one purpose - to be used in self-sacrifice and service for the good of the other person!  

The ultimate example of this is of course Jesus Christ (who is called the bridegroom and we are His bride).  Jesus has ultimate authority and power in all of creation. yet He does not use it to force us into submission.  No, He gives up His own divine rights and sacrifices Himself so that we might be blessed!  

 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus; Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!   - Philippians 2:5-8

Wives - you have been called by God to respect and submit to the man God has joined you to.  He needs your loving respect more than you know, every man desperately wants to know that his wife believes in him.  You must ask yourselves; how can I respect my husband?  How can I let him know that he is “my man”?  

Husbands - you have been given authority by God, but it is given for the purpose of serving and blessing your wife and your family.  You are never to use your God-given authority to get your own way or demand your rights.  You are to lay your very life down for the good of those God has called you to love and serve as a spiritual leader.  You must ask yourselves; how can I give myself up for my wife?  How can I put her needs ahead of my own?

Jeff Frazier