Ephesians 6:1-4
Children, obey
your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor
your father and mother”—which
is the first commandment with a promise— “so
that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Fathers,
do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in
the training and instruction of the Lord.
During my years as a Youth Pastor
I had the privilege of getting to know hundreds of high school and middle
school students. Because my wife and I were in the early stages of raising our
family, I especially enjoyed listening to students talk about their
relationships with their parents. Most of the time they spoke with surprising
understanding and respect for their moms and dads, but every now and then I
would hear a particularly painful story.
I remember getting to know one
young man whose family did not attend our church. He was drawn to our student
ministry through friends and attended on and off for a year or so. During that
year I was able to have several one-on-one conversations with him and
discovered that he had a very dysfunctional and chaotic home life. From the way
he described his parents it sounded like one or both might have issues with
alcohol, and that he was pretty much left to fend for himself.
One night after one of our
meetings a group of students just hung around and started talking about their
parents. The subject of “curfew” came up and kids immediately began complaining about
the various curfews that had been established by their parents. The
conversation went on for a while and then this young man piped up and said, “I don’t have a curfew.”
The rest of the kids went quiet. Then
one said, “What? You don’t have any curfew?”
He said, “Nope.”
“You can stay out as long as you want?”
“Yep.”
“Dude...your parents are AWESOME.”
I didn’t say anything at that moment but I looked at that
young man’s face
and knew he was the saddest person in the room. What he didn’t say that night was that he didn’t have a curfew because his parents
didn’t care where he
was or what he did. What he didn’t say was that he longed for a curfew; for discipline;
for boundaries; for anything that told him he was valuable to them; to know he
was loved!
Read again Paul’s instructions to both children and
parents:
Children, obey
your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor
your father and mother”—which
is the first commandment with a promise— “so
that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Fathers,
do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in
the training and instruction of the Lord.
Children can only obey when their
parents establish clear and loving boundaries for their behavior. When parents
do not make boundaries clear; or do not care enough to establish and maintain
boundaries, they “exasperate” or frustrate their children.
Just as God provides clear
boundaries for us in terms of moral right and wrong, or, what the Bible calls “sin,” so also it is the
responsibility of parents to establish boundaries for children. A wise parent
will set narrower boundaries when a child is young, then gradually expand those
limits as a child grows in maturity and responsibility.
The boundaries we set for our
children should be reasonable and loving rather than stifling and controlling.
Children must know that the boundaries their parents set for them are motivated
by love and a desire for their safety and well being. Parents must also be
willing to attach clear, reasonable and consistent consequences to boundaries
that are violated.
The young man I mentioned earlier
was not only exasperated, he was lonely, abandoned and unloved. He was denied
the opportunity to honor his parents because his parents failed to love him and
serve him by establishing boundaries for his life.
If you are a parent, make sure
your children know you love them enough to set boundaries and to discipline
them.
If you have parents who set
reasonable and loving boundaries for you, honor them with your obedience. If
you had parents like that but no longer live with them now, you can honor them
with appreciation and gratitude.
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